I have lost my way this year. I will share the details at some point, I'm just not sure how or when.
Suffice it to say that I had lost faith: Faith in God's goodness for us, faith in family, faith in intentional parenting and homeschooling and loving even when the cost is so high it takes your breathe away, faith in principals and people doing the right thing, faith in love. Which ultimately is a crisis of faith in the Master of the Universe's intentional, deliberate passionate, crazy, deliberate love for each of us. For me.
About 2 months ago I took a sizable chunk out of my finger. It should have been stitched but there was nothing left to stitch. It bled and throbbed and required a trip to the doctor who gave me large medicated bandages with anesthetizing lotion after cleaning it to the point of tears (mine, not his).
I bandaged my finger for several weeks while new skin grew back and then band aided it while the skin healed and am still forcing myself to use it to type and do other mundane tasks and not baby it. But I am still wary of having it hurt again. Part of where the damage is continues to be super tender and part of it has no feeling.
And that's kind of what happened to my heart this year. A chunk was taken out. Specifically, deliberately, messily, vengefully in certain cases and with intent. Those people who have never agreed with us on having 5 kids, or homeschooling or my "not working" or trying to pray for answers or trusting when it seemed crazy, and who believe in God's love for them but not His principals got back at us but good. Just think Mardi-Gras in the enemy's camp.
I'm no longer bleeding on the carpet or bent over sobbing at the river , but like my finger, my heart is not healed. It is so tender it brings me to tears at odd times, and so numb I am shocked.
I will never be the same, and my family will never be the same and my children living with us will never be the same. And I'm grieving deeply over what was lost and how callously others have thrown away and deliberately damaged something that was costly and precious and not theirs to violate.
All of that being said, I still believe in the calling of family, of willingness to embrace life (i.e. children), to vote with conscience, to think well, to live kindly and with intention, to school in a way that educates rather than promotes socialism, to embrace faith even when it takes your breathe away with it's demands for obedience and sacrifice, and to share what it means to live as one committed to faith despite the outcomes.
So, despite the ugly and violating and public things that have been said about me personally, my family, my husband, the content of this blog and how I live my life, I'm going to continue to blog about what I've been called to blog about. Just like I am going to continue to educated my children in a manner that I have been called to and live my faith in a way that I've been called to. The gospel is radical as well as divisive. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell something.
I'm starting a regular series titled: "Nitty Gritty" on Monday's. It will run the gamut from homeschooling, parenting, food, health, faith, etc. If you'd like to guest post for it, please contact me. I'd love to share your story. We become stronger by the sharing of our testimonies.
@Golden Grasses 2008-2013. All photographs, artwork and text are the property of the owner unless otherwise stated. Don't miss a thing! Subscribe to Golden Grasses and get our articles right to your inbox!