Monday, May 9, 2011

The Rock

Mired in sinking sand
Guilt,shame, loneliness,

Quick sand consuming my self,
Head above water, barely breathing,
The rest of me drowned
In mire.

And then, a rock.
I am lifted up
Despite the sins that threaten me
The accusations
I don't even know if they are true
But I hear them.
Ringing in my ears.
Deeds done. Left undone. Half done. Poorly done. Over done.
Disappointing those I've tried so desperately to please.

My feet on a rock.
 In desperation I cried out and it appeared.
Saved by grace
and that not of myself

And now, so many years later,
I feel the drowning again.
Accusations again
Disappointment again
Words that are difficult to distinguish as truth.
Noise. In my head
My head hurts. My feet stuck. My ears ring.

Through the noise I try to hear the rock.
That holds my feet.
That won't separate itself from me
No matter how deep the mire pulls me down.
The rock that says
Hold fast.

And the noises rush at me
Accusations flood around,
The bog that grabs hold and demands justification
For what I am
What I'm not.

And the rock says,
I am firm
I am steady
I will not fail you

But the promises seem faint and distant.
I am tired of the bog and the mire.
That has settled itself,
The sticky stench that pulls and drags and threatens me
That brings confusion instead of clarity.
instead of sense.

The rock is firm
But my knees buckle, literally, and I can not stand.
My weakness
Cut off at the knees
Hoping against hope
For different outcomes
Kindness instead of selfishness.
Recognition instead of rejection.
Love instead of narcissism that doesn't see,
Doesn't respond, doesn't hear, doesn't care.
My own and others

I am crying, crying, crying for one to hear who won't
And the rock says
I hear.
And I want the rock's voice to cut through the gauze
That surrounds my heart and the hurt
And make all things new
Make me new

All things new

Revelation 21

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