Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Legacy

I've been thinking about legacy a lot this year. The legacy that my sister left was... funny; she was bossy, naggy, crabby and everybody knew it.  She suffered with MS for a long time; it changed her personality and what she was capable of doing but she left a legacy that shines brightly behind her. She poured into others and they responded to that, despite the bossy, naggy, crabby aspect. 1000 people showed up for her wake, 300 for her funeral, her childhood sweetheart called her "the love of my life," her 3 children are beautiful and accomplished and generous people of substance. Her funeral was sweet and hopeful; a happy ending.

I've struggled a lot since my Dad died in November. The legacy that he left me and my sister and his grand kids was complicated. He loved me and I loved him; definitely. He offered me much in life, but it seemed to be given in obligation. Gifts given were often dismissed.  These were just symptoms of philosophical and world view differences that made connection of the heart almost impossible. My Dad's funeral was an excellent representation of how the relationship went. Awkward and out of place, with others standing closer in.

I've been in a fog this past year and a half; a fire and the loss of 2 close family members within 13 months will do that, and I feel like my head is just clearing. I see attitudes and behaviors in my own kids that I've let go that need amended. Frustrations and strife in myself that just tears me up from the inside out that I need to place on the alter at the Lord's feet and leave there. The disappointments and hurts, rejections and strivings are too much for me and I am weighed down by the burden of it all.

The reality is, I can't focus well on legacy- what's ahead- until I've forgiven and made peace with the past. I can't focus well on legacy until I steward well what needs attended to in the present. I have a vision for the legacy that I hope to gift to those I come in contact with but I've been distracted by deaths and old business; hopes and dreams that were thwarted by death.

I'm planning for what's ahead even as I put to rest the things that are behind me. Preparing the soil. And picking out weeds as I go.

2 comments:

Henry Cate said...

It is hard to lose a sibling. My sister died almost ten years ago. The first year was the roughest. I don't know about losing a parent, both of mine are still alive.

I've decided that the most important legacy I'll leave is my children. Everything else is secondary.

Janette@Janette's Sage said...

This so sums up what God put on my heart for me for the year 2011 and you did an awesome job of putting it into words.

So sorry for your losses and praying God will heal the wounds as He creates the legacy before you.

Thanks for sharing, it spoke to my heart.