I have lost my way this year. I will share the details at some point, I'm just not sure how or when.
Suffice it to say that I had lost faith: Faith in God's goodness for us, faith in family, faith in intentional parenting and homeschooling and loving even when the cost is so high it takes your breathe away, faith in principals and people doing the right thing, faith in love. Which ultimately is a crisis of faith in the Master of the Universe's intentional, deliberate passionate, crazy, deliberate love for each of us. For me.
About 2 months ago I took a sizable chunk out of my finger. It should have been stitched but there was nothing left to stitch. It bled and throbbed and required a trip to the doctor who gave me large medicated bandages with anesthetizing lotion after cleaning it to the point of tears (mine, not his).
I bandaged my finger for several weeks while new skin grew back and then band aided it while the skin healed and am still forcing myself to use it to type and do other mundane tasks and not baby it. But I am still wary of having it hurt again. Part of where the damage is continues to be super tender and part of it has no feeling.
And that's kind of what happened to my heart this year. A chunk was taken out. Specifically, deliberately, messily, vengefully in certain cases and with intent. Those people who have never agreed with us on having 5 kids, or homeschooling or my "not working" or trying to pray for answers or trusting when it seemed crazy, and who believe in God's love for them but not His principals got back at us but good. Just think Mardi-Gras in the enemy's camp.
I'm no longer bleeding on the carpet or bent over sobbing at the river , but like my finger, my heart is not healed. It is so tender it brings me to tears at odd times, and so numb I am shocked.
I will never be the same, and my family will never be the same and my children living with us will never be the same. And I'm grieving deeply over what was lost and how callously others have thrown away and deliberately damaged something that was costly and precious and not theirs to violate.
All of that being said, I still believe in the calling of family, of willingness to embrace life (i.e. children), to vote with conscience, to think well, to live kindly and with intention, to school in a way that educates rather than promotes socialism, to embrace faith even when it takes your breathe away with it's demands for obedience and sacrifice, and to share what it means to live as one committed to faith despite the outcomes.
So, despite the ugly and violating and public things that have been said about me personally, my family, my husband, the content of this blog and how I live my life, I'm going to continue to blog about what I've been called to blog about. Just like I am going to continue to educated my children in a manner that I have been called to and live my faith in a way that I've been called to. The gospel is radical as well as divisive. Anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell something.
I'm starting a regular series titled: "Nitty Gritty" on Monday's. It will run the gamut from homeschooling, parenting, food, health, faith, etc. If you'd like to guest post for it, please contact me. I'd love to share your story. We become stronger by the sharing of our testimonies.
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14 comments:
Oh boy, I can really relate to what you've said. I took a large chunk out of my thumb about 8 years ago now, and if you look at my keyboard you can see that I *never* use that thumb to hit the space bar. LOL It has healed and there's no visible evidence of the power tool that took out 1/4 of my thumb. It's amazing. But it's still tender at times.
And, in the last two years we've gone through something similar to what you've likely gone through. The ones who were "closer than a brother" to our family for over a decade... Well, it was ugly and all we could do was stand there with our jaws dropped, we couldn't even think enough to ask "What on earth?!?" We thought that was it until we discovered more. It hurt. Lots of damage. Lots of brokenness. There is no visible scar, but it's there and it's still quite tender.
I really like the image you posted at the top of your entry. I'm going to save that for myself. :)
This is life. Life can get ugly and painful. The trick is how we handle it, how we respond and how we grow through it. Whether we let it break us or we grow through it. Some days I want to break, but most days I think I'm willing to work through it.
Dearest friend, for some, they choose not to "see" the truth, but hide, as frequently the truth is very painful as you know and I know. Wow! I wonder how many people we know, hide behind their "rigid" life as the truth of real life is painful. We have both experienced real life. It will make us better people in the end. I battle daily, but each day that I conquer my "deamons" I am a victor in Christ. I praise God that Today I am a victor!!!! So are you!!!!
Lisa, feel free to use anything form my blog that you like. I love you!!
I am so sorry for your heart, but fully believe that God will use it for the good of many! May He bless you for standing strong and give you peace and continued healing. You are loved!
I didnt know it has been so hard ... I could tell it was some hard. Have and will pray. The Lord has your back. I appreciate your encouragement.
((Lisa)) thank-you so much for sharing this. How we handle it- yes. Every time I say the Lord's prayer now I pause a little at the "forgive as we have been forgiven." Oyvey that's a hard one. Praying for our thumb and for the courage to stand strong amidst the jaw dropping hurt
!
Steph- in the battle with you, as you well know. It's so much easie to continue on, knowing we are not alone. Love you, Sister!
Michelle- Thank-you for your continued support, encouragement and loving words. You have a true gift of encouragement!
Dawn, Thank-you, Friend! I've missed you and all of the good lit chat. The Lord has my back. I think I need to write that on my wall somewhere!! ; )
Praying for you, Lisa. I am sorry you are hurting.
"When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who watch over my way. On the path where I walk people have hidden a snare for me." Psalm 142:3
I'm so sorry for your hurt. I too have had chunks of my heart taken out more times than I care to admit.
Funny thing, if I added it all up you would think there would be no heart left! God is pretty amazing because being who I am today could not have happened on my own.
What true and heartfelt encouragement. I pray that the Lord will continue to work at the scars on your heart as you continue on your journey.
This month I've been working on a Christmas letter update. I sent one for 19 years then on the 20th year I couldn't do it. Things had hurt too much that year and I didn't want to tell it. Last year I was in the same place, so again it didn't happen. This year the door has been cracked open and there is a stream of light. There is a bit of hope in that light. I can't get the door all the way open, but at least I can see that there is still light, somewhere. So, I'm writing to tell about it, because I've lived through it.
Hugs to you and your family. Isn't it awful how life can turn on its head? Thank you for your willingness to be real.
Sheryl G.
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