The Rock

Mired in sinking sand

Guilt,shame, loneliness,

Burdens.

Quick sand consuming my self,

Head above water, barely breathing,

The rest of me drowned

In mire.

And then, a rock.

I am lifted up

Despite the sins that threaten me

The accusations

I don't even know if they are true

But I hear them.

Ringing in my ears.

Deeds done. Left undone. Half done. Poorly done. Over done.

Disappointing those I've tried so desperately to please.

My feet on a rock.

 In desperation I cried out and it appeared.

Salvation.

Saved by grace

and that not of myself

And now, so many years later,

I feel the drowning again.

Accusations again

Disappointment again

Words that are difficult to distinguish as truth.

Noise. In my head

Cacophony.

My head hurts. My feet stuck. My ears ring.

Through the noise I try to hear the rock.

That holds my feet.

That won't separate itself from me

No matter how deep the mire pulls me down.

The rock that says

Hold fast.

And the noises rush at me

Accusations flood around,

The bog that grabs hold and demands justification

For what I am

What I'm not.

And the rock says,

I am firm

I am steady

I will not fail you

But the promises seem faint and distant.
I am tired of the bog and the mire.

That has settled itself,

The sticky stench that pulls and drags and threatens me

That brings confusion instead of clarity.

Senselessness

instead of sense.

The rock is firm

But my knees buckle, literally, and I can not stand.

My weakness

Frailty

Cut off at the knees

Hoping against hope

For different outcomes

Resolutions

Kindness instead of selfishness.

Recognition instead of rejection.

Love instead of narcissism that doesn't see,

Doesn't respond, doesn't hear, doesn't care.

My own and others

I am crying, crying, crying for one to hear who won't

And the rock says

I hear.

And I want the rock's voice to cut through the gauze

That surrounds my heart and the hurt

And make all things new

Make me new

All things new

Revelation 21