|Isaac mourns Rebekah by Marc Chagall|
And we've had great support this year too. Beautiful cards and kindness from people everywhere we go. There has been recognition of something important lost that cannot be retrieved. But I still struggle when people ask how I am. I'm fine. Yes. Fine. Which is a word like "nice." It really means a whole lot of nothing ( an IEW banned word!). I'm not lost in depression or anger or grief but I'm not reveling in joy either. I feel fundamentally changed and like my head is so full of noise I'm not sure I'll ever hear quiet again and disorganized and cluttered. Is that grief or just a random global thinker shorting out?
Last year I sought out and connected with Living A Year of Kaddish, which outlines the Jewish liturgy of prayer for the dead, said in a quorum, affirmed by a communal "Amen", an affirmation of the God who gives and takes away. The author speaks of the complications of his relationship with his Dad, unresolved issues and difficulties included. He speaks of longing that will never be fulfilled, hope gone cold. He speaks of the honor that the year long ritual of saying a Mourner's Kaddish gave to the role of the deceased, despite personal flaws and lack of fulfillment. He spoke of people doing seemingly insignificant, but profoundly touching ritual prayer; like the man who prayers a Mourner's Kaddish each and every day of his life for the souls lost in the Holocaust and how this touched him and affirmed the tragedy and normals of his own loss and feelings.
|Stacy Innert, Post/Gazette|
Paul exhorts us to rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. In a post-modern world it's a difficult thing to do,especially as we redefine death and finality, resurrection and religion, ritual, belief and meaning. Heck, it's difficult to let yourself do even when you have some definitions cleared up.