Indulge me, if you would, in some ramblings. It is, after all, my birthday. As a result I am one year away from kissing the 1/2 century mark. I made it past the 48th year of life, alive (Isn't it odd how, even though my older sister is dead, I am still assessing my life by hers? I made it past how old she was...). I had no idea this time last year that it would be another year of...what; grief, hurt, uncertainty? This year, on a deeper, more personal level, if that's possible, than the year before. How can it be that I can be this old and still be wrapped around the 2 year old that I was, the 8 year old that I was, the person inside that still loved my Daddy and wanted...wanted so much more from what had been, from what wasn't going to be? Dreams die hard and this year has been the death, not only of my Dad, but of dreams that I have harbored for over half my life, maybe even all of it. I've cried, hard, a lot this year. I've been in a fog, slogging through feelings. It hasn't been fun, I haven't liked it. Not one little bit.
I hope to God, I hope, that He is using my dreams - the ones that didn't take, and the hopes I've laid down, my disappointment and even despair, to grow me up. To refine me. To make me more like Him. I've been sick of myself this year and my own raging toddler inside who hasn't gotten her own way and doesn't know what to do with the depths of despair that have threatened my every days. The what I haves. The gift of the present.
I think I'm finally getting over it. Over me. I think I'm finally getting it. It's been a painful lesson. I like the sharing in His joy part of things, but the sharing in His sorrow has been...very difficult.
I came across this lovely quote.
Today, of course. And it sums up well this past year, my life, me; my journey to follow Christ. We are created for the eternal but we are given the medium of mortality. Getting through life is often, for me at least, a struggle with, against, because of, my own humanity. The medium of mortality limits me, defines me, causes me to suffer, grow, develop, crump, despairr, move on, laugh out loud, hope for more, hope again. God created the medium. God embraced it Himself and is the ultimate portrait. He has hold every one of my tears- our tears. He hears every one of our laughs, rejoices when we find Joy, weeps with us in our despair. And through it all, never sins. He never ridicules, teases, torments, swears, damns others. He embraces the limitations of humanity and holds his hands out, offering hope and living water.
I need what only He can give.
I have no idea what this year will bring. And some days I feel a bit..hesitant. I feel wary.
And yet. The kids are growing and tanned, the house is slowly, slowly, getting more usable, more finished, I feel like I am swimming through clearer water these days instead of slogging through murk. We have had good, dear, kind people in our lives helping us, blessing us, praying for us.. The sun shines every morning. Life, oddly, how very oddly, goes on. And the mystery of death and endings and closure and utter finality fades a little each day.
My husband and my kids celebrated my birthday yesterday, since Mondays are very long days with everybody scattered. Viking Man made breakfast, wired light fixtures, made sweet, funny and endearing comments to me all day long, spent time porch sitting with the family over dinner, and bought me really touching presents. (At the end of the day he went over "the list"and made sure I realized he'd touched on every single "love language."- utterly sweet!).
|I lost my wedding ring one day last year when I was sanding. |
He replaced it with a matching set, along with a beautiful necklace.
It is good to have just today to live in. To see where we've been, what storms God has stilled in our lives. To know that He's been in the future and He's made a path for us, if He allows us to be there with Him, this side of eternity.
Its' good to be loved.
So, thank-you to each one of you who have been my friend the past couple of years, loving me while I have been...engulfed.
You have been God's hands and feet to me and I thank God for you in my every remembrance.
Find more inspiration at Pebble Crossing.