Tentative. And vulnerable. I feel like I did after I had surgery on my arms. Carved up and weak. Angry, tearful, hurt. And honestly mad. Though it makes me uneasy to even type that and I've erased it twice.
Objectively it doesn't make sense to me. I know that the stuff that needs to get done will. That we'll somehow muddle our way through the fall, that things will get sorted. That in so many ways it is already better than before. But right now I am struggling. If I allow my feelings to come to the fore, I am raw. Raw like after surgery. Bandaged and bruised to the point that I am beyond black and blue and just simply black.
I don't' trust myself to answer the simple question of, "How are you." I don't feel fine and I don't really want to be a vulnerable, weepy mess in public. I don't even like being one in private.
But compassion is almost worse. That is when I am liable to really loose it and so I've said, more than once, "Don't be nice to me." Rude, I know. But, like I said, I just don't trust my response.
It's been another near tragedy in our lives and the fall-out from that is confusing. I should be joyful and grateful and happy and whatever else. When reality is I'm feeling burned. Burned out. Wary and distant and wondering what everyone else's agenda is.
So, today we started; school that is. And I didn't really want to. But it was a good day, a peaceful day. One that reminded me of purpose in the simple things; getting laundry done, reminding a child how to borrow and carry, correcting a reading mistake, listening and hearing the kids talk and laugh and bicker and have worries and frustrations. Being there. Starting again. Even when it seems like what we're starting with is a fraction of what was.
And then this via email: Fr. Francis Fernandez writes [In Conversation with God, Vol. Four], 'The love of God does not consist in having begun--not even with a lot of effort--but in persevering, in beginning again and again. Thanks be to God, that He is with us every moment, every day, pouring out His grace and love in measure far greater than we can grasp. What more do we need?'
And so today we began again. Trusting in God to heal the bruised and weary places.