I often wonder about why I am so transparent on this blog. Part of it is that's just me. What you see is what you get. I've oft been told that this is a winsome aspect of my personality. Winsome, or irritating, depending on how entertaining, or not, I am at the moment. For my own part, I'd rather be an internalizer. You know, smile on the face, every thing's great, no matter what. For what it's worth, I'll never be. So, if you read this blog, you will be subject to my own externalized therapy sessions.
Here's the deal. Some days I think we are doing something really cool. Affording our kids freedom and opportunities that convention don't allow. Other days, or months, like the last 7, where we have had $1000's of dollars of car repairs, including 2 bizarrely broken windows, a rock that tore the underside of our "good" car to shreds, antibiotics- again- and yet again, a dead hard drive, and now apparently, a dead expensive camera (do you hear my WAAAA's from where you sit?!) I really wonder what we're doing. It's not that I don't expect life to have ups and downs. I do. But sometimes the ups, out figures the downs (sing it, baby, ala Disney's Robin Hood). And does it have to be so painfully, unrelentingly expensive?
I'm reading "Fieldwork," which is a about a murder, but just as much a story about a crazy, missionary family that lived, worked and evangelized in Asia. The story is written by a secular Jew, and while he is respectful to the last, he doesn't quite get where the missionary family is coming from. They are unwaveringly clear about the vision that they have. It's an inerrant, Biblical worldview that says that the world's days are numbered and the lost will be damned. There is fervency and passion in the family. I'm not to the part yet where the murder takes place, though we all know who done it, but the profile of the family, I get. They are good, basic, hardworking Jesus loving folk who are willing to walk on the wild side to live out their convictions.
Check.
But, truthbetold, I'm feeling my age, the disappointments, the debits. My check has been wavering.
Step 3 of 12-step is "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God." I did that a decades ago. The problem is I keep wanting things to turn out my way. Look, my way is pretty cool. I'm a creative, intelligent person with rocking ideas. Seriously. And yet I am continually surprised at how God hits the "reject" button on my ideas. They are perfectly sound, fun, cool, budget-conscious and thoughtful. So, what's the deal?
I guess it's that He's God and I'm not. His ways are not my ways and all of that.
I think one of the illusions of living in a place like America, as a Christian, anyway- where freedom to do and be is pretty much there- is that if you don't get your own way, hit the goal marks, succeeded at the vision, lived up to your potential, you've failed.
There's little confirmation, in the church or out, that if the outcome isn't a WIN BIG that it could be because you've conformed yourself to Christ. That you have sacrificed and suffered for His name sake. That He has a different plan. And while He might be rejecting your plan, He's not rejecting you. Or me.
So, to all of you who are suffering and struggling and walking on the wild side as good, basic, hardworking, Jesus loving folk- THANK-YOU (you know who you are don't you?!) You've given me courage by the testimony of your lives in a season where I've felt a little lost.
Here's the deal. Some days I think we are doing something really cool. Affording our kids freedom and opportunities that convention don't allow. Other days, or months, like the last 7, where we have had $1000's of dollars of car repairs, including 2 bizarrely broken windows, a rock that tore the underside of our "good" car to shreds, antibiotics- again- and yet again, a dead hard drive, and now apparently, a dead expensive camera (do you hear my WAAAA's from where you sit?!) I really wonder what we're doing. It's not that I don't expect life to have ups and downs. I do. But sometimes the ups, out figures the downs (sing it, baby, ala Disney's Robin Hood). And does it have to be so painfully, unrelentingly expensive?
I'm reading "Fieldwork," which is a about a murder, but just as much a story about a crazy, missionary family that lived, worked and evangelized in Asia. The story is written by a secular Jew, and while he is respectful to the last, he doesn't quite get where the missionary family is coming from. They are unwaveringly clear about the vision that they have. It's an inerrant, Biblical worldview that says that the world's days are numbered and the lost will be damned. There is fervency and passion in the family. I'm not to the part yet where the murder takes place, though we all know who done it, but the profile of the family, I get. They are good, basic, hardworking Jesus loving folk who are willing to walk on the wild side to live out their convictions.
Check.
But, truthbetold, I'm feeling my age, the disappointments, the debits. My check has been wavering.
Step 3 of 12-step is "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God." I did that a decades ago. The problem is I keep wanting things to turn out my way. Look, my way is pretty cool. I'm a creative, intelligent person with rocking ideas. Seriously. And yet I am continually surprised at how God hits the "reject" button on my ideas. They are perfectly sound, fun, cool, budget-conscious and thoughtful. So, what's the deal?
I guess it's that He's God and I'm not. His ways are not my ways and all of that.
I think one of the illusions of living in a place like America, as a Christian, anyway- where freedom to do and be is pretty much there- is that if you don't get your own way, hit the goal marks, succeeded at the vision, lived up to your potential, you've failed.
There's little confirmation, in the church or out, that if the outcome isn't a WIN BIG that it could be because you've conformed yourself to Christ. That you have sacrificed and suffered for His name sake. That He has a different plan. And while He might be rejecting your plan, He's not rejecting you. Or me.
So, to all of you who are suffering and struggling and walking on the wild side as good, basic, hardworking, Jesus loving folk- THANK-YOU (you know who you are don't you?!) You've given me courage by the testimony of your lives in a season where I've felt a little lost.
3 comments:
I am not walking anything the way I should. I have become so tired of the "stuff" I just exist to try and care for my grand daughter and take care of PHil and try and be happy.
Thank you for the reminder, just because it isn't turning out like I pictured, doesn't mean I was wrong or even that it (the dream) was wrong, it means God has something else in play. It makes me sad that the church, (not all of it but way too much of it) has bought into the notion that winning big is the proof that God is in it. May we always remember that many times all God calls us to, is to put one foot in front of the other as we serve Him and He will see to it that in Heaven's currency, we win big.
♥ Lily-thinking thoughts
Thank you. Yes. I've been tallying the disappointments and ignoring the blessings list for a good part of the year. I have one homeschool student left in the house. She is interested in many things. The ones that bother me are the ones that are out of our control. Because? One by one she is told "No, we don't want or need you. Try again next year." We think these are directions for her life, but we then crumble in tears for a few days as we regroup. TP Staff. No. Soccer Letter? No. Dramatic Lead? No. The win, though? A talented, multifaceted daughter who can do most things that she sets her mind to, and at almost 16 is not restricting herself to any one thing. I should say, any one EXTRA thing. The one IMPORTANT thing she is keeping before her is serving God and working the school books for the goal of being a nurse. Now if I can only be mindful of that when the PSAT scores come in in a couple weeks. ;)
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