"Duty is ours, results are God's"
John Quincy Adams
President of the United States, Diplomate, Legislator. A man who did not rest on his laurels. A man who kept fighting the good fight, even when he'd "achieved" fame, fortune, status. A man of vision.
I've heard this sentence quoted three times in the past few weeks and it's something I'm going to adopt, take to heart, tattoo on my mind.
I've also heard a couple of times this spring how I've disappointed people and they are angry about that. I've apologized but it seems to have done little good. They are committed to their disappointment or perhaps their belief that I've not done what I should have. Maybe I haven't. I don't even know.
It's been a tiring spring. We've worked physically hard consistently. Which normally I love to do. But my skeletal system has taken a beating in the past couple of years and my knee, or my spine, or my hip rebel and I hurt. And I feel emotional hurt. Drained. Deeply tired in a way I don't ever remember feeling. Weary of hearing words that don't make sense to me, and sorting possesions that are now meaningless and the constant inventorying of our lives and just tired of explaining anything to anybody.
It is odd how a trauma such as a house burning, or the loss of a baby or a sibling or a parent or a dream hurts in a way that is every bit as physical as a knee that is wretched and won't cooperate on stairs. I feel raw and exposed by the tears that are constantly at the ready. And for what? Things are, as a friend prophesied the day of the fire are, "better than before." But we are still unsettled and things are still unsettling. I feel pressed down. Pressed on all sides. And I wondered today after church if God is o.k. when I cry out in distress and pain at His pruning or does He think I should just cowboy up like I think I should. Honestly, I don't appreciate neediness or weakness or tears from myself and yet I seem to have an abundance of all of these.
I had a revelation this spring and that is this: I've been committed to outcomes. Far more than I should be. Married to them. And when the outcomes don't come...well, then I am frustrated and disappointed. Because I expected that C follows A and B. I am a very task oriented person. I get focused and get things done. But often done isn't. And things come unraveled and relationships don't work out and problems aren't solved and we're in a battle. Yea, the battle. We're not wrestling with flesh and blood. I think I have battle fatigue.
And while I'm recuperating, which is taking far longer than I want or expect, and which hasn't included much actual rest, I think I'm going to engrave the above on my heart and my mind. The battle is worth fighting. Check. But the outcomes aren't my problemo. Gotit.
Results are God's.
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places, EPH 6:12.
2010-06-13 Testimony of the Trailblazers: Boldness in the Face of Giants (Numbers 13:25-14:9, Joshua 14:6-12) 12.61 MB